so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
