Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have feelings that need drinking.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
