I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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