i need an iv and a liver transplant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
