I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
