Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
