Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
