i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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