I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
