Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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