Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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