dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
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