1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
