Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
