I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
