gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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