If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
