You just made me feel so damn special
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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