Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
