had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
