I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
