for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
