My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
