I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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