the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
