I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
