I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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