This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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