Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
