I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
