Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
