totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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