wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
