I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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