Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
