I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
