Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
