Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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