K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
