Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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