Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So much rum. So many feels.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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