ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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