Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
