Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
