I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
