I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
