I miss vodka workout Fridays
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
