If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Never underestimate the power of titties
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