Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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