I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
