His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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