i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
