This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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