I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
