it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I won the penis lottery.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
